


Red Velvet Pancakes and Dragon Dildos

by florfering



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: 3am ihop run, M/M, but thats okay sometimes you need to read a stupid fic, entirely completely stupid, shameless fluff, this is the most sugary vanilla thing ive ever written its got cheek smooches what is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-09-03 01:30:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8691247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florfering/pseuds/florfering
Summary: Just a couple of dudes bein’ guys.Just a couple of guys bein’ dudes.Just a couple of dudes bein’ gay at an IHOP at 3am.





	

**Author's Note:**

> me: hey i should write this totally cool angel au that i came up with bc it's cool and interesting and also angsty  
> me: writes this clusterfuck instead  
> me: :')
> 
> I'll probably edit this later but for now have this

“Fuck. Me,” Keith said, banging his head on the steering wheel on each word, a weak miserable honk coming from the car on his second  _ thunk _ .

“Geez, babe, if you wanted me make sweet,  _ sweet _ love to you tonight, you only had to ask,” Lance replied, leaning back in his chair and staring up at the almost full moon. He glanced out of the corner of his eye at Keith. 

Keith only turned to glare at him, head still resting on the steering wheel. “Fuck you,” he said, with all the eloquence of a college student who just paid for his textbooks out of pocket. Lance waggled his eyebrows at him and Keith closed his eyes and groaned again. Lance could feel his pain. 

A few minutes passed of Keith contemplating death and Lance staring dazedly at the moon. Then Lance had an idea—no, an epiphany. He pulled out his phone, looking up directions. “You know what you need?” Lance grinned, then continued without waiting for a response from Keith, “IHOP.” Keith grunted and didn't move. 

Lance, however, was not deterred. He found the quickest way with the least traffic (read: none) to the beloved restaurant and shoved his phone into Keith's stony face. 

Keith’s eyes reluctantly opened and stared unblinkingly at Lance's phone. He didn't move. A couple minutes had passed. Keith was still staring at the blue glow. Lance was beginning to think he'd accidentally somehow showed Keith some porn or something but then Keith shot straight up in his seat. 

“You know what? Fuck it.” Keith muttered. “Strap yourself in asshat, we're going to IHOP.” He put the car in reverse and backed out of the parking lot. Lance watched the flickering  _ Open all day! _ bookstore sign get smaller and smaller in the distance as Keith followed the directions on Lance’s phone.

The streets were practically empty in their relatively large town. Then again, it was three in the morning, where any sensible people would be snuggled up in their beds, fast asleep. Then again, college kids were never really known for being sensible. Lance could remember the fateful day where he, in some insane epiphany derived from sleep deprivation, had concocted a Frosted Flakes tuna sandwich. He could still taste the sugary onions and shuddered at the memory. 

By the time he snapped back to reality, Keith had parked the car right next to the 24/7 diner, still grumbling to himself about  _ stupid ass fucking colleges _ and  _ I’m dirt poor goddamit _ . Lance could feel a pang of sympathy, but he got paid literally just the day before and could afford some extravagant luxuries, like cereal on sale.

The two young adults pooled the money they had in their wallets to find that they had just under fifteen bucks. That could get them a pretty decent dish, but they would have to share. Not that Lance minded. He could freely steal from his boyfriend’s plate. Or he could dump maple syrup all over the pancakes and lay claim to all of them just to see Keith's cute little nose wrinkling in disgust. Then again, he wasn't that mean. 

Maybe. 

...

Yeah, he was.

But it was not the day for messing with Keith. It was a day for cheering him up and commiserating with him about stupid ass fucking colleges and their overpriced textbooks — scratch that — overpriced everything. 

Before the two exited the car, Lance gave a quick peck to Keith's cheek, smiling brilliantly at him when he turned towards Lance with confusion. 

He winked with a click of his tongue and Keith rolled his eyes, moving out of the car and slamming the door in his face. He walked towards the restaurant though Lance could see a slight flush coloring the tips of his ears. He shouted, “Love you, babe!” at the top of his lungs. It was the middle of the night, it wasn't like anyone was going to hear him anyway. 

Keith only responded with redder ears and a raised middle finger over his shoulder. Lance snickered and followed his boyfriend. 

When they entered the diner, they were greeted by a tired waitress who still managed to smile at them despite the late—or early, depending on who you ask—hour. Lance could respect people like that. “Booth for two?” she asked. Keith nodded and she nodded back. “Follow me.” 

She led them deeper inside the diner, but before Lance followed, he spotted the kids’ menus and cheered on the inside, secretly swiping one of them and two sets of crayons. Unfortunately, both Keith and the waitress noticed his incognito stealth mission. Keith had an exasperated look on his face while the waitress looked mildly amused. 

Lance laughed nervously and followed the two already at their booth. The waitress chuckled and Lance could see the laugh lines on her face clearly. He got the feeling that she smiled a lot. 

They ambled into the seats, the two college kids sitting on opposite sides of the booth. 

The waitress smiled at them again and left. She returned a short whole later with two glasses of iced water and menus, leaving to let them pick out their 3 AM meals.  

After some poking at Keith, which honestly only returned glares and half hearted retaliations, Lance decided on the red velvet pancakes. They honestly looked delicious and they were red. Keith’s favourite color. Lance was a good boyfriend like that.

The waitress came back and nodded at them when she heard their order. “That’s my favourite,” she said while collecting the menus. 

“Oh, yeah? I'm excited, then,” Lance felt good about himself and his phenomenal decision making skills. He had a sixth sense, he could swear on his face mask collection. 

After she left, it was quiet as Keith stared off into the distance with a blank look on his face. 

“So, Keith,” Lance started, drawing out the  _ o _ sound, “Wanna play some IHOP mad libs?” Lance figured Keith wanted a distraction from anything college related and a kids’ game was a perfect opportunity. He waggled his eyebrows at him again until Keith groaned and gave in. 

“Alright, so the first word I need is a verb.”

“Anal fisting,” Keith replied without as much as a second thought. Lance suppressed a giggle, scribbling the phrase into the blank. So the great unflappable Keith was frustrated enough by his  _ shitty ass fucking textbooks  _ to bring in stupid middle school kid humour. 

They continued like that for the rest of the paragraph, with Keith giving him increasingly stupid and blatantly sexual answers, though undeniably funny to sleep deprived college students. By the end, Keith had relaxed enough to have a small smile gracing his lips, though Lance was full on snorting and laughing. 

Then it was time to read the story. 

“Oh no,” Lance said. He squinted at his handwriting, rendered almost illegibly by the crayon’s strokes. It didn’t really matter, though. He remembered all of Keith’s… unique word choices. “Penny Pancake doesn’t deserve everything you’ve subjected her to.”

He began reading the story they made in an overdramatic voice, pitching it up or down to suit different characters. It wasn't as funny in some parts with context, but other parts somehow worked out amazingly. Lance was in the middle of reading out how one of the waffle soldiers whipped out a dragon dildo to fight crime when the waitress came back with a steaming plate of red velvet pancakes. 

Lance was taken aback. They smelled  _ delicious.  _

“ _ Holy shit,”  _ he breathed. “ _ Do you smell that? _ ” 

The spark seemed to come back into Keith's eyes and life had been breathed into his soul. “I do.” 

The waitress chucked again. “Excited?” 

“ _ Yes!” _ Lance just about squealed out, nodding furiously. Keith was doing the same, and she laughed. 

“Y’all are just too funny. Enjoy your meal, boys,” then she winked and left, leaving Lance and Keith to eat their pancakes. Lance called a thanks as she left, and she waved over her shoulder. Lance really liked this lady. She was like the aunt Lance always wanted to have. 

But at that moment, really, only one thing mattered. 

“Alright, Keith, this is our battle plan. Of attack. Of pancakes. Of life and death.” Lance pretended not to hear Keith's snort at that statement. “I take this half,” he gestured to a side of the plate with his fork, “and you take this half,” he pointed to the other side. “Okay?”

Keith looked him in the eye. There was something there that Lance couldn't identify, but then he could, all too late. 

A challenge. 

Lance watched what happened next in what felt like slow motion. 

One, Keith took his arm and wrapped it around the plate, pulling it closer to his side. Two, he swiped his fork and stabbed it into the top pancake, pulling the whole thing off the stack and bringing it to his mouth. Three, Lance lunged across the table to stop him, but he was too late. 

Keith had taken his pancake and stuffed it into his mouth, cream cheese syrup and all. His eyes rolled back and he groaned. He savoured it and ok, Lance was really curious at this point. He snatched the plate back but Keith was too far gone to care. 

He heard, “Oh my god, these are delicious,” before he cut off part of a pancake and brought it into his mouth, chewing and swallowing. 

_ Holy shit _ .

“Fuck _ , _ ” he breathed. Keith turned his half lidded gaze to look at Lance, nodding. 

“Right?” Keith took another piece, and Lance did the same. Their plate of pancakes was slowly growing smaller between nonverbal trading of the plate. 

“Keith, it's settled. I'm divorcing you so I can marry these pancakes.” 

“Honestly, I can't even argue with that.”

All too soon, the plate was picked clean and the waitress was back. She had this knowing look on her face and Lance gave her a thumbs up. “Best pancakes ever,” he said. She only winked back at him. 

They payed for their pancakes and left a big a tip as they could with their broke asses and left the shop, Lance swiping mints while Keith took as many toothpicks ah he could fit in his pockets. 

Lance made his way across to the passenger’s side, waiting for Keith to unlock the doors. Keith unlocked his side and got into the car, but made no move to unlock all the doors, instead choosing to close his and lock them with a resounding  _ click _ . Lance broke into a cold sweat, just realizing what Keith was about to do. He scrambled to the front of the car, climbing onto the hood. He shouted at the windshield, “You can’t drive off and leave me if I’m on the car!”

Keith only smirked and raised an eyebrow in a silent challenge, starting the car.  _ Oh shit. _ Lance yelped and frantically grabbed the edge of the car hood. Keith drove the car forward in short bursts, pushing Lance further off the hood every time he moved. Lance knew he wouldn't actually hurt him, but the feeling of sliding off the hood still gave him a small adrenaline rush every time.

He glared at Keith, who was laughing from the stupidity of it all.  _ How dare he. _

And then suddenly, the car lurched to a stop. Lance, obeying Newton's Second Law of Motion, continued sliding off, but in the split second in which he was still on the car, he saw Keith's eyes widen and an expression of pure surprise tinged with the slightest bit of amusement and  _ “oh shit”  _ flash across his face. 

Then he was falling. 

His ass landed on the cold, hard pavement and he heard the car engine turn off and a door open. He glared up at his assailant but then saw him laughing a full body laugh, his chest shaking. Suddenly, falling off the car didn't seem so bad and the twinging in his ass wasn't as painful. 

He grinned and jumped up, dusting off his pants. “So I'm guessing Operation: Cheer Up My Grumpy Boyfriend worked?” 

Keith had the happiest smile on his face that Lance had seen all day and he nodded, saying, “Your face! Oh my god, you should've seen your face.” If Lance reddened at that, first of all,  _ you have no proof _ , and second of all, he couldn't help it, his heart melted—Keith was just  _ too cute _ .

“W-well, what can I say? I'm just a brilliant person like that,” Lance laughed and looked off to the side. Keith rolled his eyes again, but this time with an amused grin, and presented a kiss to Lance's cheek. 

Lance froze, but then he turned back to Keith, who was gazing at him with soft eyes and a small smile. 

_ Oh, you've got it bad for this boy. _

Lance smiled back at him with something warm fluttering in his chest and grabbed Keith's hand, gesturing to their car. “We going home?”

Keith turned his palm over and interlocked their fingers. “Yeah, let's go home.”

**Author's Note:**

> this was kinda based off of a real ihop run i had. mostly the part when lance was hanging onto the car. that happened to me irl. dont try that at home kids.
> 
> y'all should talk to me on [tumblr](http://fluffytheasianpanda.tumblr.com/).


End file.
